Skip to Content

Join for FREE to start sharing the meaningful pieces of your life (privately or publicly) before they are forever lost.

Shark Wrecked (circa 1978) (about Jeffskla)

Have you ever heard of the Pipimia islands? I hadn't. At least not until I went fishing at Nevrick Bay in Nevrick City, which is in Nevrick. Have you ever heard of Nevrick? I hadn't. At least not until I went fishing there, but that is beside the point. You see, it all started when I cast my line a good thirty yards out towards the ocean. All of a sudden, I saw a big dorsal fin sticking out of the water about seven inches. I stood up in my boat, and was pulled overboard. It was one heluva ride. When I bought the fishing line, the salesman was not kidding when he said it was the strongest line money could buy. I was bobbing in and out of the water, choking, and scraping my stomach and body on the bottom and on jagged rocks. It was a world's record as to how long I held on. I would have held on longer, but it was the shark that finally gave up. I could stand up now, and in looking around I spotted a group of islands, which I named "Pipimia" for no reason at all. I started walking towards them and finally reached there in twenty minutes. It was not until I reached the islands that I noticed the size of the shark. It was at the most four feet long. Never-the-less, I took my catch on shore feeling very proud. I was sure the islands were uninhabited, and, being very tired and cut up, I went to sleep.

When I awoke, it was very dark. It was probably around midnight. I felt a sudden urge to explore the islands, and it couldn't wait until sunrise. Getting up, I saw lights through the trees. I walked over to the trees, then through them. When I got through, I was welcomed by a big, neon-lit sign that read "PIPIMIA ISLANDS". My mind told me to run, so I broke into a trot. Soon I was going at full speed. I glanced upward to see a big ape throw a banana peel in my face. Being momentarily blinded, I ran into a tree. Dazed by the collision, I laid down on the ground. As soon as I did this, I heard a loud roar from behind. I turned around to be met face-to-face with a huge lion. When I backed up, the lion leaped into the air. I turned pale with fright. To my surprise, the animal landed behind me. What a dumb beast! It was then I realized the cat was trying to be playful. Getting carred wasy, I jumped over the lion. It turned out to be a tremendous game of "leap frog". After an hour, the huge creature yawned and walked away. Being tired myself, I decided that exploring the islands further could wait. I fell asleep once again.

This time when I woke up, the sun was directly over my head. No, it was the neon-lit sign. Still, it was daytime. Feeling hungry, I decided to look for some fruit to eat with my shark (the shark was not going to eat with me; I intended to eat it myself). Stumbling through the jungle, I came upon a foot. By coincidence, the foot was attached to a leg. I attempted to rise, but the foot met me half way up, knocking me back down on the ground. Looking up, I saw the owner of the foot. It was a skinny man, whose skin was about as dark as the skin of an [American] indian. His face was not one of an indian's, but more like the face of a loony (not the kind of fruit I had been looking for). Never-the-less, he was a man. He was the first man I had seen ever since I had been on the island! I got up to say "hello", when his foot landed in my gut for the second time. This was beginning to get on my nerves. I would have to keep calm if I wanted the man to beome friendly with me. I pointed towards him, then myself, followed by clasping my hands. This was to indicate that we were to be friends. The man got the impression that I was gay and kicked me once again. I saw that there was no use in trying to be friendly. I took a nearby coconut and hurled it with lightning speed toward the face of the man. He caught it as quickly as I threw it. After saying "thank you", he walked away. I was in no shape to follow, so I lay down on the ground to rest for a while.

After regaining my strength, I walked back to where my shark lay. All of a sudden, I felt sorry for the fish and threw him back into the ocean. It was after I had eaten a bowl of "Lucky Charms" that I realized what a mistake I had made in returning the shark to its home, even though it was dead. A series of questions entered my mind. Were there any more men on the island? Better yet, were there any women? If there were any men on the island, would they be kick-happy like the man I had already met? If not, were they friendly? The only way I would be able to answer these questions would be to set out on what I had planned to do the previous night-to explore the islands. The best palce to start off was where I had met the strange man. After reaching the point where we had encountered, I found his footprints.

The footprints led to a "Jack LaLanne" health spa, in which I found a group of men jumping up and down on dead chickens. From this, I deduced that they were not of the Jewish religion, and that they were not married. In the group of men, I spotted the man with the strange face. Taking my revenge, I walked up to the man, said "boo", then flicked his nose. With that, the group of men got down on their hands and knees. They started to worship me. Then half the men ran outside. Thinking they were going to get some offerings, I sat down. I was king! I was a god! The men returned with some firewood. It was a strange offering. The remaining men grabbed me, and then took me outside. After that, they tied me up to a pole. I was no god. I was an offering. They were going to burn me. When everything was ready, the man with the strange face took out a lighter and chanted "With the flick of my bic, I'll give you a kick." Sure enough, he drove his foot into my stomach, probably for the last time. Then it happened. It was a miracle! Right when the lighter was about to touch the kindling, it went out. The kick-happy man kept flicking the lighter, trying to get it to light. Everyone gathered around the lighter. While this was happening, I cut my bonds loose and snuck away. In leaving, I caught the words "A thousand lights my ass!"

When I got back to camp, I began to think of how to get back to my homeland. I could try to catch another shark, but I would not want to go through that again! I might try to swim, but there would be the danger of dangerous sea animals. I could catch the afternoon train, but I did not feel like taking a chance of it getting hijacked. Then I heard the throbbing of an engine. I looked up to see what looked like a rescue plane. It flew over the islands a couple of times, then dropped something from a hatch that opened on the bottom of the plane. It was then I realized that the plane had dropped a bomb. for what reason I do not know of to this very day. You see, after the islands had sunk, I spotted a boat and was rescued. When I got back, I was asked many questions. I told them the whole story. That is why I now live in Siberia and make snowballs for the C.I.A.

The End